So friends, family, loved ones, strangers. I love you all. My posts up to this point have been on the more light hearted, joking, lets have a laugh side.
Spoiler Alert- This post is one of a different nature. It is more serious. This will display some of my deeper thoughts, instead of my sometimes ridiculous ones. So if your not interested, nows your chance to turn back.
I am going to give you guys a little insight to my life. I do not do this often, in fact, I have hardly ever, ever done discussed these thoughts. But, When i woke up this mornin, it was on my miIIIIiind, in fact for quite sometime its been on my mind. What is it? What has been on my mind- in a word LIFE. It's such a beautiful and precious gift. I just love hard experiences so much, really, i do.
Many of you may know, many of you may not know, when I was at the rightful age of 13 years old, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Google it. But basically, It's that disease all the old fogeys have that makes them shrivel up and not move very well. It is one where my beautiful, but lets be honest confused body attacks itself (Haha, no wonder i'm so confused sometimes, my body is messed up too) in all the joints. Everywhere that bends and moves is under attack by the good guys, or the "cops" inside my body. The "cops," you know like police men, in my body that are there to regulate everything and has the job to get rid of the bad guys that enter my body. Well, My COPS went haywire, and it turns out that a few are crooked cops, and are taking out the good guys (the joints) in my body instead of just the bad guys. My body fails to realize that my joints are good guys too I guess.
Basically, the affect of this that I FEEL, is quite literally chronic pain in everywhere that bends, all the time. Sometime accompanied by a lovely stiffness so that it wont bend at all, and nearly almost always accompanied with swelling. Now, I am quite the trickster, because I don't know if any of you know this, because often i chose to lie about it, but i actually do feel pain ALL of the time somewhere in my body. Sometimes, Somedays definately worse than others.
a lot of you may not know this about me because I decided when I was young that this pain would not run my life and get the best of me. It shifted my life quite dramatically however when I was 13. All of you know, I love sports, it runs in my family. When I was young, Sports was LIFE-- I did, watched, played, slept, ate, drank sports all the time. Everything revolved around them. Well, with all the joints in my body aching and in pain, I was forced to quite. I could not do them anymore. I honestly thought my life had ended. because life as i knew it up to that point, was over. little did i know it had really been able to just begin.
The reason I could not do sports anymore was not entirely due to the pain of my joints. I was on a low dose of chemo and very tired and sick all of the time. They did this to try to kill my immune system in hopes that when it built back up it would correct itself, basically destroy all the haywire cops, and leave only a few good and noble cops to retrain the new cops that would be joining the force the correct way, to only attack the bad guys. This process however of destroying my immune system was making me tired, sick, and worst of all my hair was falling out. It wasn't successful and I had had enough of it, I was 13, there's no way I would live if my hair all fell out.
Well, onto the next treatment, once again, didnt work. My pain was only getting worse and and my body less mobile. Then, my amazing cousin Jared, bless his big and amazing heart, called and offered a crack at treating it. I was... 15 by this point? I was up for anything. I flew out to Washington every month or so, and the treatment he was doing (a natural type therapy) was working, I was feeling better then before. After a while of seeing it was working, we decided it would be best if I moved out there for a while to get this treatment.
...this meant just me. At the age of 16. Moving away from my family, friends, life, and home. I was absolutely terrified, although i tried my best not to show it. However, all of I could think of is Why me? Why do I have to have this disease that took away the thing in life I was the ABSOLUTE most passionate about, sports, and now its taking my away from EVERYTHING else in my life, my family, my friends... I simply didn't think I could handle it. I felt like I had nothing anymore.
After about... a day of feeling like that. I decided enough is enough. Sure, I can be sad and scared and angry and upset with the Lord for allowing me this most difficult trial one could ever go through (or so at the time thats what i thought- dont worry, it has become a HUGE and indescribable blessing in my life). Or I could be happy. Be grateful I get this experience and get to push through it and grow SO much more than I ever could have without it. No longer would I be upset about this. And I havent since. At least not very often. (Except a scare about a year ago where I started another new treatment, and my hair started falling out again. haha, Like I said, bring on the pain, just leave the hair. That one i dont want to deal with).
I moved to Oregon at 16, into my cousins place, away from my parents and siblings and friends. I went to school there for a semester.It is here I met some truely AMAZING people. Real quick I want to tell you about this one girl, Anna. From the very first time I met her I remember thinking, I want to be just like her. She is the most amazing, cool, spiritually strong girl I have ever met. And you know what, to this day it is still true. I am blown away by her every time I recieve updates, shes amazing. She doesnt know this, but it is because of her and her new journey I am sharing this with you. Here's a little bit of what she is up to now-- She is recently married, just last month. And just after she got married her husband defeated CANCER for the THIRD TIME! INCREDIBLE. Amazing, amazing, amazing.
Heres the blog, check it out. Insipring. Some people just blow my mind with how amazing they are. These are the people who give you hope and change your life, change the way you think, change the way you are. People like Anna and Chad, and everyone I met in Oregon made me realize the truest beauty and excitement this life is. For everyone. Especially those time in trials can be amongst the MOST amazing and BEST things we have.
I changed in Oregon. Decided that my disease will not defeat me. Would not define me. Would not limit me. And it hasn't. It has blessed me. It has led me to so many realizations that I would have never known without it. And it has altered the way I am able to view the world.
I have since graduated from BYU, all the while with barely anyone knowing about this disease, if they do, they do not know very much, and at most time not even remembering its there. Although I am constantly aware because I can feel it, I do my best to act as though it's not there either. Not because I am ashamed of it, because it is a huge blessing. But because I think its easier for others that way. I am able to get up every morning and fight through the pain at its worse and go to the gym. That makes the rest of the day not hurt so bad. I make attempts to shoot a basketball again, although this hurts and is not easy for me anymore. But believe you me, in the eternities guaranteed You'll be findin me on the bball courts all the time. Beating Michael Jordan. And Steve Nash. Too bad Kobe wont be there... we all know he aint goin to heaven. ;D
Anyways, you guys, I wanted to share this so that 1- it is recorded somewhere and 2-maybe, i dunno but maybe, offer up some encouragement to you. if you have somethin rough goin on right now, I promise if you see it through, look your trial in the face and say, you will not defeat me. In fact, say in YOUR FACE Trial, joke is on you, because guess what, this is no longer a trial but a HUGE blessing to me and I am even in fact so grateful that I have this AMAZING opportunity to go through this, because even though your tryin to defeat me, I am going to be SO MUCH stronger afterwards.
You all have the power to make it through trials a better person. When you simply just dont want too, and believe me, I know all too well those times where it seems it would be easier to not go through it, and just almost cry (I said ALMOST- most of you know I do not cry often either, after I was diagnosed, I cried for a few weeks maybe and decided that wasnt doing any good and there was no point, have VERY rarely cried since) because you just dont want it, don't recall signing up for it, ENDURE. it is those times when I tell you, sing a song, a hymn, and than all it takes is a simple prayer. Offer one up to you loving Father in Heaven STARTING by thanking him for the opportunity you have to endure this, but tell him "hey man, listen, i'm just not doin so well with it on my own right now" and ask him for help and strength, if even for a bit. He is waiting. I PROMISE, just waiting for you to ask so he can help you. Like you real father, he doesnt want you to be in pain or to have life any harder than it has to be for you, all it takes is for you to ask for help, and he will. This i promise you.
And guess what- heres the moral of the story. Moral of every story and ever situation which i tell my younger sister all the time. If we can choose the right- guess what LIFES NOT THAT HARD. NOT hard at all. Ever. No matter what! Just don't be stupid! Even those things beyond our control, in my case RA, or in Chads case cancer, in your case _____. We all have trials beyond our control. If your not already there, get to the point where you are grateful for it.
I am grateful for all of you, everyone. EVERYONE I have met has made me so much a better person in many ways. Please count your blessings and be grateful for this life. Do what you gotta do to make it right, than LIVE! and LOVE! and LOVE IT ALL.
Peace. Love. Serious Trials.
